I usually try to avoid crude language. We do not include it in our everyday life. Our friends respect that. The other day my friend’s son said: “ Oh I forgot I am not supposed to say these words in front of Annie and Malia.”
But there are days where crude language just describes perfectly the way it is. Days where we have to set our boundaries in a very clear way. With using crude language, I kind of shock myself, wake myself up and make it very very clear: “Do NOT fuck with me.”
I escaped from a abusive relationship in an abusive environment. Always trying to see the best in everyone, always giving another chance, always hoping that things will approve. Always trying to accept other persons as they are. Many times let others cross my boundaries. Feeling frustrated because I didn’t know how to set my boundaries. How to keep them. Especially when someone close and dear to me was crossing them. So how is life supporting my growth? By sending me more souls who were willing to lower there own light in order to make me see what I wanted to see, what I wanted to learn and understand. Drastic experiences ask for drastic response. In my case until I fucking get it. Until I fucking value myself enough to say loud and clear with my words, my actions and my energy: “Don’t fuck with me.”
I am a fucking amazing strong person. An amazing mum who is raising her daughter in an amazing way with lots of love and compassion. I don’t break. I was close to be broken, I had little living will left but the strong love and responsibility for my daughter helped me to find that incredible strength within myself.
I made the conscious decision that I will not stop until I am healed and full of joy again. I am focused and determined. I am bound to succeed on whatever I set my mind on. I am willing to integrate all parts of my soul. Including the one’s I don’t want to use on a regular base. By integrating all parts there are, I am allowing to release judgment. And I learned that there is a huge difference between judgement and discernment.
I am grateful for everyone who participated on my growth. I wished it could have been more fun or maybe from now on I decide to let it be more fun. I want to enjoy these experiences. I would not enjoy a dull life, so I guess I have asked for all these extreme rollercoaster rides.
I used to be tough, I used to be soft. Recently I was asked to remember my toughness. I got challenged. Quiet a few challenges I were able to master with soft kindness. But when someone tried to pull my child into this, I learned that some people or situations don’t respond to soft kindness sometimes it has to be tough kindness. Being very firm. Don’t fuck with me nor my child.
I learned that I don't want to be around people who act in ways that are totally against what I believe in. I was going through an inner conflict. I don’t believe in changing others or telling them what to do. Don’t give feedback without being asked for it. Accept and respect the other person as she is, as I would like to be accepted and respected as well.
I used to smile politley and tried to avoid conflict. I thought it is not my job to call on someone else. But, I also couldn’t play along with something that was so against what I believe in. I thought I might just limit the contact but life showed me that it is not possible to have energies around me that are so different to what I believe in and what I stand for. And again it was the mother spirit that led the way. When the situation and the person were trying to pull my child in, trying to use an innocent child to play sick games, I had to stop that shit.
Better have a clean cut, then pretending. There is no right nor wrong. We can never get it wrong, as we are never done. But we can decide with whom we are willing to share our path.
For me, I needed that anger to make that clear cut.
I survived a very traumatic part of my life. I got myself and my daughter out and I am doing an amazing job on dealing with it. Life decided that I was ready to put my new learned skills to the test. People entered my life, who were very important and dear to me. They helped me to gain so much more awareness on where I want to be. Because of that gratitude I allowed them to cross some boundaries, but very soon I realised that doesn’t work for me anymore.
That anger was helping me to reach the next level. So I am fucking grateful and at the same time I can tell you in a loving way: “Thank you for participating in my growth and now: Fuck off”.